Dream Team

Extra salt, please. Oops, did I say salt? I meant tequila. Muy tequila, por favor.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!! It’s that time of year again. Yup, using Mexican gun fights as an excuse to drink and eat fajitas. At least that’s how I observe…

So, I’ve been thinking recently about my moose tracking expedition; it’s creeping up on me. I’ve had a few, very capable people step up to join in on this journey and I’m thankful to have such enthusiastic, adventurous friends. Anyone who wants to join is definitely welcome. But, I got to thinkin’… what would my dream team look like? If I could pick anyone — dead or alive — to venture into the wilderness with me, whom would I choose? Here’s a list of my cream of the crop, my elite squad, my SEAL Team Six.

Ummm, Bear, you got somethin' on your lip there...

Bear Grylls – Of Man vs. Wild fame, Bear Grylls is an ex-Navy SEAL, a parachute accident survivor,  and a border-line mad man. According to his Wikipedia page, he’s proficient in Ninjitsu and karate. As a boy, he was a Boy Scout and he learned to sail and climb at a young age. He’s basically one space shuttle trip away from being a less-douchey, less-Scrooge McDuck-y  Richard Branson. He is fluent in both French (in case we make a wrong turn and end up in Quebec) and Spanish (or a REALLY wrong turn and end up in Mexico). He’s faced criticism for faking the premise of his show by staying in swanky hotels instead of actually roughing it in the wild. To me, that shows he’s got balls and, in my head, goes a little like this: (Director: Aaand ACTION!) Bite the head off a snake, eat a caribou eyeball straight out of the rotting carcass, say something in a dreamy British accent, squeeze the moisture out of a steaming heap of elephant poop then drink it, and, finally, fashion a sun-stroke-fighting bandana by tearing a sleeve off, whizzing on it and slapping it on his head. (Director: Aaaaand cut! That’s a wrap!) Towel off, check into the Ritz and hit the sushi buffet. On top of all that, his LEGAL name is Bear. That’s nothing short of awesome.

Pros: REALLY experienced in the outdoors (especially harsh climates), not hard to look at, cute accent, can survive traumatic injuries

Cons: Might get bored on my humble expedition without mountains to climb or waterfalls to paramotor(?) over. Remember to pack a Rubik’s Cube and a book of sudokus.

Little known fact: All his tracking power lies in his magic hat.

Mantracker (aka Terry Grant) – The formula for an awesome TV show: One cocky, outdoors-y type person + one lame, whiny bitch to weigh down the cocky guy + compass + Mantracker = awesome.

Mantracker (almost) always gets his man, no matter the terrain. He uses his finely-tuned senses to detect his prey and no matter how well you try to cover your tracks or misdirect him, there’s no escape. Which leads me to believe that he, along with his trusty steed, could effortlessly track down a moose lumbering through the bush, just breaking twigs and leaving footprints all willy nilly. On the show, the team of half-wits being tracked are equipped with a map and a compass. Moose don’t have those tools; clearly they have no shot at outrunning this stealthy predator. I’ve honestly only ever seen one episode where ‘the hunted’ reached their destination, and it was because they managed to flag down a passing motorist to drive them to the finish line. It takes cunning and quick-thinking to one-up Mantracker, but Moose don’t have thumbs to hitchhike. They’re hopeless.

Pros: Acute senses of smell, sight and hearing that lead him directly to prey, has a keen ‘sixth sense’ that seems to kick in if the trail has been tampered with or booby trapped

Cons: Cannot go anywhere without his horse or a sidekick… Put a 10-gallon hat on Bear and see if that’s sufficient.

He looks dangerous but he's really quite 'armless'.

The Guy from 127 Hours (not James Franco) – Aron Ralston has survived some pretty adverse situations. He’s frequently scampered off to climb mountains or trek across deserts by himself. He’s a risk-taker by nature and has narrowly escaped death on at least one occasion.

In his book Between a Rock and a Hard Place, he rehashes the series of events in 2003 that led to him to AMPUTATE HIS OWN ARM to avoid dying in a remote, canyon somewhere in the middle of a Utah desert. This may not impress everybody. You may ask, “So? Gimme a jig saw and I could amputate my own arm. No prob.” To this, I say gross and also, what if you weren’t equipped with a saw to make a clean cut through flesh and both forearm bones? What if all you had was leverage to snap your radius and ulna, then hack away at the soft tissue using only a tiny, dull, dirty multi-tool — an apparatus usually reserved for cutting around the wrapping at the top of a wine bottle to reveal the cork? That is badass and no one can deny it. Not only that, but he’s managed to overcome the psychological mess that comes with hacking off your own arm while buzzards circle overhead waiting for you to die. This guy is ready for anything and has the strength of spirit to keep morale up if things are about to take a scary turn to Lord of the Flies town.

Pros: Super fit, has a cool pirate hook for a hand, a real problem solver

Cons: Might have scary flashbacks, a metal robot arm might rust in NS humidity, his book title suggests that he likes puns, high fives can be dangerous

The first official Nav Sysytem.

Sacajawea – Here’s a brief history of ol’ Sackie. In the early 19th century, Meriwether Lewis and William ‘Girly Man’ Clark set out to explore the American southwest and find out what was hiding behind those Rocky Mountains. Sacajawea was a 15-year-old Shoshone girl and a wife to a Quebecois man that won her while gambling. Sacajawea was initially recruited as a translator for Lewis and Clark, but she proved to be much more valuable than that. During the documented years of exploration, she went above and beyond the call of duty by retrieving items that went overboard when one of their boats capsized, she helped them survive on indigenous vegetation during the arduous trek through the Rockies, she even traded her belt so L & C could get the president some cheap souvenir (probably a snow globe or a magnet or something…) and she occasionally led the expedition in the right direction. Without her knowledge of edible plants the expedition probably wouldn’t have made it past the mountains. Plus, if she’s willing to risk drowning to save papers and journals and quill pens and top hats and jaunty coats and any other crap that 19th century adventurers would have packed on a cross-country hike, then she would surely save any men (or women) overboard. And then, for her heroism, we can repay her like they did in the olden days: by killing her people, destroying their land and forcing the stragglers into the margins of modern-day society. Even steven.

Pros: Lives off the land, knowledgeable in local flora, has her own fancy coin

Cons: Main staple is plant roots (gross), communicating might be tricky

The other Man in Black

Steve Bloom – I can’t forget about my main mission of this trip — to find and photograph a Mainland Moose. My photography skills are mediocre at best and a big, fat chunk of my photos can be categorized into two main groups – underexposed or blurry. I’m gonna need a mentor around to teach me the tricks of the trade and to help me hone my craft. Kind of like an Obi-Wan to my Padawan.

Steve Bloom is a wildlife photographer based in the UK and he’s taken pictures on every continent, in every climate, of many of Earth’s creatures. His photos are striking, raw, emotion-evoking and everything I aspire mine to be. He’s stalked and shot the largest mammals on the planet; therefore, I have no doubt that he will help me capture the essence of my lowly moose with his keen eye and artistic vision. Plus he can document all of Bear’s stupid antics on film while I’m busy keeping my eyes peeled for wild animals…

Pros: Seasoned traveller, master of the African safari, sweet hat, assumed to be a rugged wilderness aficionado based on facial hair

Cons: My pitiful quest may be beneath this Nat Geo regular, might slow down group by insisting on taking tea

Putting the 'ARG' in margarita...

Ian Milner – A quick rundown of team members — Bear, Sacajawea, Aron — shows that I have assembled a team of people that are willing to eat any old garbage to survive in the wild. I’ve decided that it doesn’t always have to be that way. Dining in the wild can be delish and I know just the guy to prove me right; my old pal Ian. This guy is currently heading up chef duties at a swanky eatery in Halifax, but I’ve seen him in his element. I’m talking a near-empty fridge, past grocery store hours, belly is a-rumblin’… We’ve all been there. This guy can whip up a scrumptious, satisfying meal with a beet, a bottle of ketchup and a left-over turkey carcass. When the rations are running low is when he will truly shine and create a meal that not even Chef Ramsey can scoff at. Hear that, Bear? No more caribou eyeballs for you! It’s all tourchons and remoulades here on in.

Pros: makes delicious meals made with the freshest of ingredients, great sense of humour, culinarily adventurous, can teach Bear how to properly fillet a snake without chomping its head off first

Cons: might get diva-y due to lack of proper supplies and when forced to sleep in a tent, embraces his late nights that lead to late mornings (breakfast at 2 p.m.), he likes to sing songs that tend to stick in one’s head… this may drive an emotionally fragile Aron to become violent and stab things at things with his multi tool

Leave parrots to sissy pirates...

James Franco – Why not? He seems like a cool guy. He strikes me as one of those people that can get along with everyone. He could probably talk art with Bloom, isoteric films with Milner and even humour Grylls by eating something that’s still alive and moving. He could regale us with wacky Hollywood stories and tell us what a bitch Julia Roberts is and how Natalie Portman actually looks like a boot up close.

Pros: fun guy to have around the campfire, he could probably talk Ralston down off a ledge if things get hairy

Cons: could be mood-swingy, might have to be air-lifted out to teach a method acting class at NYU, might insist on everyone referring to him as “Academy Award nominated actor James Franco”

So, there you have it. My band of moose-hunting misfits. If you can think of anyone that would be an asset to my squad that I might have overlooked, please let me know… And definitely check out Steve Bloom’s website. He’s a genius.